Things To Do On An Exam When You Know That You Are Going To Fail It Anyway:

• Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre,
  Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

• Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions
  aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked
  to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me
  thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

• Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

• On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse
  to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer
  this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious
  beliefs. Be creative.

• Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
  sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I
  have to leave the country," and run off.

• Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers
  into very small pieces, throw them into the air, and yell out
  "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy
  of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every
  15 minutes.

• Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
  head, and nothing else.

• Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
  Blame it on Joel Karpinsky.

• As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

• Every five minutes stand up, collect all your things, move
  to another seat, and continue with the exam.

• Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you
  walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

• Get the exam. 20 minutes later throw your papers down violently,
  scream out "[Expletive] this!" and walk out triumphantly.

• Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e., threaten to the
  instructor that everyone is leaving after one hour, finished or not,
  to go drink.)

• Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point
  during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

• Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

• Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes,
  put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the Phantom of the
  Opera" until they drag you away.

• If the exam is math or science related, make up the longest proofs
  you could possible think of. Put pi and imaginary numbers into most
  equations. If it is a written exam relate everything to your own life story.

• Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

• Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
  Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

• During the exam take apart everything around you -- desks, chairs,
  and anything you can reach.

• Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

• Take six packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least two rice
  cakes into your mouth at once. Chew and then cough. Repeat if
  necessary.

• Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say
  to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every
  lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you?
  Where's the regular guy?"

• Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one,
  make one up!

• Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
  completely blackened out.

• Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him
  or her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head
  when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper."

• From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
  the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave
  one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

• After you get the exam, call the instructor over and point to any question. Ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him or her.

This page was last updated Saturday, 18 December 1999

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