100 REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GIRL (contributed by Andy)

1. free dinners
2. free lunches
3. free brunches
4. free movies (you get the point)
5. you can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay
6. you can cry without pretending there's something in your contact
7. you know the truth about whether size matters
8. speeding ticket? What's that? (??????)
9. you can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay
10. you actually get extra points for sitting on your butt watching sports
11. you don't have to try to laugh louder, deeper and harder than your buddies
12. if you never have a son, it's okay
13. if you do have a son, and he's a lousy athlete, it's still okay
14. if YOU'RE a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being
15. a new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life
16. in high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned
17. if you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, it doesn't mean you're the devil
18. you don't have to count how many people you've slept with
19. condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex
20. if you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud
21. if you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling
22. you can sleep your way to the top
23. you can sue for sexual harassment
24. you can sue the President for sexual harassment
25. if you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup
26. if you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser
27. same with tanning beds
28. nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep
29. you could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower
30. you can get free stuff just by smiling sweetly
31. if you're pregnant, YOU get to decide what to do about it
32. Brad Pitt
33. you don't have to fart to amuse yourself
34. if you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected
35. you never have to wonder if your orgasm was real
36. you'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper
37. when you take off your shoes, nobody passes out
38. if the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with them
39. if you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them
40. excitement is only as far away as the nearest drug/beauty-aid store
41. if you don't shave, no one will know
42. you can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass
43. if you have a zit, you can conceal it
44. you don't have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
45. if you want to have sex, you always can
46. if you're dumb, some people will find it cute
47. you don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in
48. if you love someone, it's easy for you to tell them
49. you can dress yourself
50. your hair is yours to keep
51. if you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic
52. once a month, you have an excuse to be a total bitch
53. you don't need a special occasion to hug your dad
54. you never have to wonder if you'll offend someone by opening then door for them
55. when necessary, you can live without sex
56. you can always get a ride hitchhiking
57. you don't have to pretend to like cigars
58. you don't have to pretend you liked cigars before they were cool
59. you'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything
60. you can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked
61. if you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot
62. you don't think that wearing a warm coat in the dead of winter makes you look like a wuss
63. you're rarely compelled to scream at the TV
64. if you wear cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave
65. you'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley
66. you never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist
67. you don't have a scar right under your chin
68. you and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings
69. if you talk to your mom every day, it's normal
70. if you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty
71. sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need
72. you can quickly end any fight simply by crying
73. you can decide not to work once you've had kids
74. your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth
75. when you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing
76. sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems
77. if you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it
78. you have never had a goatee
79. gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable
80. you'll never regret piercing your ears
81. you can fully assess someone just by looking at their shoes
82. you'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra
83. when you wear sweatpants, it isn't obscene
84. you know better than to ever use Grecian Formula
85. it doesn't take you an hour to go to the bathroom
86. you don't have hair on your back
87. your doctor never has to put on a rubber glove
88. when you get dumped, you can admit you're depressed
89. if anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants
90. you can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark
91. If you have big ears, no one has to know
92. if someone takes your seat in a bar, you don't have to hit them
93. it's okay if you can't drive a stick
94. Ally McBeal
95. you get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can
96. you can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny
97. you can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer
98. you've known the joy of making a collage for your BFF
99. you bond easily
100. when you become President, you'll be the first woman ever

 

WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN MEN

HERE IS A LIST OF "MEN'S ENGLISH" (contibuted by Philby)

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice tits!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it... We'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Okay, I said it... We'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
(While shopping): I like that one better = Pick any bloody dress and let's go home and have sex!

MEN vs WOMEN

  1. Relationships

    When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

  2. Maturity

    Women mature much faster than men do. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

  3. Handwriting

    To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, coloured stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "P's" and "G's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

  4. Bathrooms

    A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

  5. Groceries

    A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

  6. Cats

    Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

  7. Offspring

    Ah!, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

  8. Dressing Up

    A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail..........etc. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

  9. Laundry

    Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

  10. Nicknames

    If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

  11. Eating Out

    ... and when the check comes, Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

  12. Directions

    If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighbourhood. I recognise that 7-11 store."

  13. Admitting Mistakes

    Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

  14. Toys

    Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalisers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

  15. Plants

    A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

  16. Cameras

    Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and takes photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

  17. Jewellery

    Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer.

WHY CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

Q : What do men and parking spaces have in common?
A : The good ones are always gone and the ones that are left are disabled.

Q : Why did God create men?
A : Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Q : What's the difference between cheese and men?
A : Cheese matures.

The feminist was hailing a miracle birth.
The baby had both : a dick and a brain.

CHAIN LETTER FOR WOMEN

Dear Sister. This letter was started by a woman in the hope of bringing relief to other tired and discontented females.

Unlike the other chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented, then bundle up your husband or boyfriend. Send him to the woman whose name is at the top of your list and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 16,877 men and one of them is bound to be a heck of a lot better than the one you already have.

Do not break the chain. One woman broke this chain and got her own bastard back.

At this writing a friend of mine has already received 184 men. They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36 hours to wipe the smile off her face and three days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin. Have faith.

....Liberated Woman

This page was last updated Tuesday, 28 March, 2000

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